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Moving on…

I recently participated in a health and well-being event organised by the effervescent and ridiculously energetic Natalie Garry director of dance-Sing, in collaboration with PASS at Edinburgh College. Natalie and I have been friends for 16/17years and although we don’t see each other nearly as much as we would both like, through the positive aspects of social media we are able to keep up to date with each others’ growing families, career moves, in my case relationship changes and so greet each other readily and easily when we are together. Such as it was last Saturday – our faces beamed with recognition and huge hugs ensued. Natalie has worked incredibly hard to get dance-Sing launched in venues across the country popping up in Greenock, Dunblane, Glasgow and Edinburgh and I have no doubt many more venues in between. Such determination and energy is something to admire and if I’m totally honest, I have felt a wee bit in awe. I know it isn’t easy for her to be so utterly focused and we only see the public face of such a driven woman, but last Saturday when Natalie asked me “Why aren’t you writing? I miss your writing…’ all I could respond with was ‘I lost my confidence at a time when life was not being kind and I had no resilience to fall back on’.

However life is kind on so many levels, or at least I am able to look for the kindnesses, capture them and allow them to guide and nurture my creative journey now and, as such, have found not only my inner voice but a quietly generating sense of energy, optimism and determination to fulfil my writing ambition. After talking to Natalie I immediately realised that I had been missed and that felt affirming and motivating.

To assist in this process I have engaged with a course from Daily OM ‘Overcoming Creative Anxiety’ to assist with the unblocking process and to still that inner destructive voice as so succinctly explained and quietened in The Chimp Paradox by Steve Peters. Ruth Hogan, author has been an inspiration – her books Keeper of Lost Wings and Sally Red Shoes – were utterly delightful to read, especially because of Ruth’s use of imagery, wit and emotional intelligence.

S, B and I went to see ‘The Planets (Gustav Holt) Classic 360’ show at Dynamic Earth this evening. None of us was sure what to expect and a little part of me was feeling a tad disgruntled* that I had to drive to Edinburgh on a Sunday night instead of indulging in my usual ‘preparing for the week’ routine, which almost always features the good intention to look at work emails, do a spot of work -related reading but in reality usually disintegrates into a manic self imposed cook off  – preparing soup for the week, cooking and eating tea being mindful to keep within my WW points, whilst supping a glass or two of wine, making up my bed, and you know pottering/procrastinating/putting off/ doing almost anything until suddenly ‘its time for bed’, (said Zebedee).

‘The Planets’ was charming, soothing, thought provoking, emotionally fulfilling and the best amount of time I could have spent this evening (so glad I had kept my crappy little thoughts* to myself). B at 7yrs old was an absolute credit, and in site of wanting to see more space craft and possibly aliens or Jedi, was content to go with the flow, watching the film unfold as the music played around us, safe between daddy and me. The show was just short of an hour and after about 40 minutes, B was getting restless and readily jumped onto my lap when I offered it. He is tall for his age, but still so wee and needy. I welcomed every moment of his fidgeting body because his hands were firmly placed on mine letting me know in his own small way that he felt secure.

2019 promises much  – not least the development of a renewed, much cherished and oft missed friendship which lost its way a few years ago but is soundly back on track. My creative juices are flowing in so many ways and as the year unfolds I will still that quiet anxious voice, the one that felt so small and unworthy after being so violently mocked and derided by one who will bear no mention on this page, or indeed in my thoughts and life. I am so much stronger now: being 50+ is nothing short of exhilarating and liberating.

However, it is Sunday night, the soup was made this afternoon, the wine remains unopened, I have read to papers for work and my bed has clean sheets and beckons me.

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